First Posted on October 9th, 2011 by alisonball
Psychotherapists of my ilk are frequently talking about “boundaries”- In the first place what are they? Does someone have too rigid or far too porous boundaries? Why does it matter anyway? Is their sense of self compromised because they don’t have adequate boundaries? Do they continually “give themselves over” to “the other”? Do they never have a real intimate relationship? Do they feel lonely and unable to cope without an enmeshed relationship? Do they ignore crucial “signals” from either their own bodily reactions or their intuition and so find themselves in situations they later regret? Do they somehow always keep others at bay- from getting too close? There is a whole continuum of how people may be affected by boundaries that are either too porous or too rigid.
Boundaries ideally need to be open enough to allow the other “in” under some circumstances; to be able to empathise with the other; to be able to “see” the other. They also need to allow us to be able to take some risks with another, appreciate where they may be coming from while knowing we can say “No!” and be assertive about what we can or cannot do. If we are strong enough in who we are – in our sense of self- then our boundaries can be elastic enough to make a conscious choice about how much or for how long or in what way we may to some degree “give ourselves over” to the other.
All in all boundaries that are too porous between ourselves and the “other”, leads to many of the reasons why people seek out therapy. It leads to a loss of self which with some can be almost total. For some there will have been psychotic symptoms as they feel that literally, parts of themselves have been taken over by or into the other. Others find themselves having taken some vital step in their lives even though an “inner voice” told them it was the wrong thing to do. They went ahead because of pressure from outside themselves or out of some “driven- ness” to “do the right thing” or make someone else happy. Others have lived lives with so-called “intimate partners” where they have suffered abuse simply out of their own need to “have someone”.
Some of my self- psychological colleagues nowadays like to call some forms of this, “pathological accommodation.” And it is true it can be given that name. I like to stay with the simple “giving yourself over to the other.” Of course it arises originally out of deprivation, loss, abuse, the domination of a particular parent or even the fear that the parent will, for one reason or another, not survive if they don’t “accommodate”. If at all possible, the child MUST at all costs to themselves, survive. There are children who have been too young or otherwise unable to accommodate themselves enough to the needs of “the other” and some do not survive. Infants and young children do actually die under some circumstances.
And what about those whose boundaries have to be kept so rigid they cannot allow themselves to have an intimate relationship? This may be the only way they can feel safe or maintain a sense of self. In the end it is the same as boundaries that are too porous as the basic sense of self is so compromised that intimate contact with the other may threaten their very existence. Being on their own is the price they pay for being able to live life exactly as they need it to be without having to accommodate to the needs, wants or wishes of another. At least they then know who they are and that they exist.
Can psychotherapy help? Most definitely, but psychotherapy of this type under such circumstances is not of the “quick fix” variety. Reclaiming a sense of self is something for the long haul. The way is to find a psychotherapist who will stay with you for the duration of that long haul and one who will help you deal with the pain along the way. The long term result is worth the hard work.
