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First Posted on February 29th, 2012 by alisonball

Today I was talking with a couple of colleagues about a particular dynamic frequently observed in our clients and indeed, amongst the general population. To my mind it is a dynamic that is a core issue for many of people who might possibly be classed as “borderline” but at times it can rear its head in the lives of almost anyone. Sometimes under some circumstances it might be described as that delicious “in love” feeling that most of us have experienced at some time in our lives.

The glorious feeling of when we are “smitten” by another and for a certain period of time are obsessed with thoughts of them. We idealise the person; we fantasise and romanticise them; we can see no wrong in them and/or can easily overlook any imperfections- put any such slightly negative doubts to the back of our minds. Certainly, during that “in love” time, we don’t use those doubts as any sort of signal to our selves to step back and REALLY think about this. In fact very often it is almost impossible for us to step back and we even avoid those people who might not want to go along with our adoration of the person or might throw up their own doubts. That person “does not understand”! Our feelings for the one we are idealising at the time is virtually an obsession, an infatuation, an addiction even- we “lose ourselves” and our sense of a separate self in the other.

Sometimes – mostly in fact- something happens to cause us to snap out of this phase. Sometimes we are filled with grief and are broken hearted if we feel rejected by the one we adore. it might take moths or years even to ‘get over them”. There are many outcomes but I am sure the dynamic is familiar to us all. Sometimes we swing completely in the other direction and become infuriated with the one we had adored even to the point of total denigration of them. In this phase we can see nothing good in them at all- they have “betrayed us” etc etc. If they have not felt the same way as we have about them, the relationship can deteriorate into massive demands for the other to love us as we have loved them. At times in extreme situations this phase leads to violence.

At best we come back to see the person in a more realistic manner and sometimes we may even be able to pursue a more real relationship. This is when that initial “in love” feeling turns to some more enduring love and, if the feelings have been mutual, we can look back with pleasure on the beginnings of our relationship.

In other cases we can only look back and feel shame or humiliation that we had felt the way we did, perhaps “made fools of ourselves” etc.

What my colleagues and I were talking about was the origins of this dynamic. We see it as coming out of the totally natural merging that is necessary between mother and infant. Falling in love with your newborn is not only natural but necessary. The newborn infant actually needs the mother to be able to merge with it so she can learn how best to care for the infant. Donald Winnicott called this initial phase “maternal pre-occupation” and said that if it was NOT for the presence of an infant it might almost be called madness- rather like the madness of that adult infatuation.

However, in the normal course of growth, the infant begins to develop his or her own separate self and requires different things from the mother. In the normal course of events mother has a more realistic view of the infant, meets its needs as required but can allow for the necessary degrees of separateness in gradually increasing doses as the child grows up. Sometimes things go wrong and the infant is left without having the initial need met or only partially met. Some mothers have not been able to “fall in love” with their infant- perhaps they are completely depressed and cannot show their love. Other mothers have not been able to allow for the gradual natural separateness of the child.

I believe that the infatuation I spoke of earlier that often puts adults in turmoil when they seek relationships and sometimes leads them into relationships that are actually totally unsuitable- even abusive- comes out of the longing for a repetition of or the wish for a different experience of that initial merged phase with the mother.

In some families if the infant has not been able to get what they need from the mother in the way they need it, the toddler turns to the father to have that need filled. When that turns into a good experience it can go a long way to fill the void for the child. When it is not a good experience- either because the father takes advantage of the child’s love and exploits the child, or is just frankly unavailable, then the void remains and the longing persists.

Often the result is that the child grows into an adult who “falls in love” with anyone who shows them any sign of interest- for whatever reason. Alternatively they may fall “in love” with anyone who calls up the vestiges of the idealised mother or father that they so long for.

Forming a good enough relationship with a therapist who can help the person to understand themselves and develop a separate sense of self so they can love without losing their own self is sometimes the only way this issue can be helped.